"Sweet Auburn! loveliest village of the plain . . ."
~Oliver Goldsmith
~Oliver Goldsmith
I have been loving Auburn football for as long as I can remember. In fact, I have been to at least one game every year of my entire life (no shit my first Auburn/Alabama game was in 1982...in my mother's womb!). To me Auburn football games are a thing of absolute beauty. I have tried over the years to condense the singularity of spirit that I feel on a crisp October afternoon into words, but I've never really been able to accurately distill that emotional response. It's almost like a static electric charge, but not quite. It's almost like a good red wine buzz, but not quite. So many sensations almost describe it...but none ever really convey the totality of the scene or my love of it.
Because of my near obsession with Auburn Football, I joined the student recruiting organization (Tigerettes and Tiger Hosts) my junior year. Well...actually I joined because of my obsession and because OGF-0 had been a Tigerette the year before. I had already gone to more than a few of their functions to keep an eye on her so when it came time for that year's try-outs, I decided it would just be easier to join up.
wait, wait, wait...what?!
I guess I should back up here for a moment.
I'm really not that prototypical super jealous guy...never have been. I have never been the guy who gets all weird at bars when the GF is getting hit on. As far as I'm concerned, the more drinks some other sucker buys her, the less I have to. That being said, this particular organization was notorious for being a cesspool of sexual misbehavior. I'm not saying the university used sex as a recruitment tool...really I'm not. I mean that would be against the rules, and we all know that ALL major football programs follow ALL the rules ALL the time...just ask Lane Kiffen. All I'm saying is that there were lots of RUMORS about SUPPOSED cavorting with prospects (NEVER CONFIRMED BY ME). More disconcerting to me though were the rumors that on their off nights most of these kids fucked each other like rabbits (this I did confirm, but let's not get ahead of ourselves).
Back to the story.
So I joined up in the spring of '03. The very first thing I noticed about the Tigerettes and Tiger hosts was the girl to guy ratio. Out of the 125 members, there were only 15 dudes. At the first meeting, when I walked into that sea of vagine, I was absolutely awestruck. They spanned the complete spectrum of hot. Depending on your preferences there were at least 30 girls that would blow you away. It was like a fetish brothel...there were big asses or big tits or both...there were small asses or small tits or both...there was black, brown, red, yellow, green and white (hair, skin, curtains, drapes...you name it)...there was fake and all natural...there were mixes and matches of all of the above and all were complete with a moral compass that listed a little to the left.
In short, it was glorious!
I immediately forgot about keeping OGF-0 out of trouble and started working out schemes to get my self into some...trouble that is. ;)
Well OGF-0 and I broke up during that spring due to unrelated issues (i.e. bitch was crazy), and that left me free to peruse the local fare with immunity. But as with all things that appear too good to be true, there was a catch. Most of the girls were cleat chasers. I don't know why I didn't put that together earlier, but duh, there it is. About half of the officers and older girls were dating current players and about the same number of the newer members wanted to be in that same position (or multiple positions...ba zing!) by the next year.
So after realizing that compared to the gods of the gridiron, my frat shorts and croakies weren't going to get me anywhere, I settled in to a nice routine of showing up either late, drunk, hungover, or all three to all meetings and events and generally just being a bad tiger host. Luckily for me there was a whole subgroup of similarly disaffected kids within the membership which I fit into quite nicely.
I told you that story to tell you this story...I do that alot...try to keep up.
Among this merry band of miscreants is where I met Goldilocks. She was a deep fried country girl from a little two bit town outside of Auburn. Her southern drawl would help biscuits rise and her fit little gymnast body looked like it would make for a good time. So a few weeks or months (I forget the actual timeline) after OGF-0 and I parted ways, I called Goldilocks up and we went out for Margarita's at Laredo's. I should have seen the handwriting on the wall when we immediately ran into another Tigerette who seemed a little too interested in our being together, but tequila has a way of putting apprehensions to bed (among other things).
A few hours and a couple of large margaritas apiece later, we were ready to head home. I typically like to keep new encounters of this kind on my home turf, but she was adamant about not sleeping in a fraternity house. I finally relented and we went to her place. I was more than just a little intoxicated so I just thumbed the lines and turned wherever she said to go. 10 minutes later we pulled up to her apartment complex (duplexes really) safe and sound. I would rank that driving effort a solid silver medal performance...I think.
We stumbled into her house amid a sloppy make out session, and as soon as I walked through the door, I had an odd sensation of having been there before. I chalked that up to the similarities of college housing and followed her upstairs to a lace lined bedroom complete with stuffed animals and about a million throw pillows...all of which ended up on the floor eventually.
Now my original plan had been to peace out under the cover of darkness, but to my chagrin I didn't wake up until a nasty little ray of sunlight stabbed me in the eyes. Groggy and disoriented, I searched for all my belongings in what appeared to me to be a little girl's nursery. The frills and pepto bismol pink color didn't help with my disorientation...or my nausea. I was alone in the room and while I had a vague recollection of the previous night's misadventures, I definitely wouldn't have been able to swear to anything in court. My mind was put somewhat at ease as I looked around at the pictures in the room and found Goldilocks. However, any relief I got from realizing that I had not in fact invaded someone's house and slept in their kid's room was overwhelmed by the sight of the gargantuan men in the pictures with ol' girl...gradually I began to remember her talking about her 4 older, very protective brothers, two of whom had played football...FOR AUBURN. Next came the recollection of her telling me they were coming to visit. That day! For lunch!
I was sweating bullets now. What time was it? Noon? I heard banging around downstairs. I collected my Polo shirt and shoes and socks into a bundle and began to sneak down the stairs. I peered around the corner to find her furiously attacking her kitchen with 409. Relieved that we were alone, I stammered out something about calling her sometime and having to leave...I didn't even wait for a response. I bounded out of her door dressed in full on shacker garb like a gazelle running from a pride of angry lions.
Feeling the waves of relief wash over me with every bare foot I put between myself and her door, I jumped into my car. The noonday sun had rendered it into a steamy sweat box. I rolled down the windows and kicked on the AC as I surveyed my surroundings. I had been pretty wasted the night before so naturally it took a minute to process where I was...It was only then that the real anxiety hit.
Somewhere along the line the night before, I forgot that Goldilocks and OGF-0 lived across the street from one another. As I sat there, hungover, sweating Tequila by the quart, I kicked myself for being so dumb. I was never...EVER...going to hear the end of this. These girls hated each other already! I glanced in the rear view mirror with crossed fingers, hoping against all hope that she wasn't at home. What I saw boggled my mind.
Across the street there were five people standing in front of OGF-0's door. Four were looking at me and one had their head stuck inside. Soon the five turned to seven...I looked on stunned as I made out each of the figures, there was her dad, brother, aunt, niece, mother...oh wait here she comes herself. The last figure I can't quite make out but the effect was no different. I can see all their faces staring almost as stunned at me as I am at them. I crank the car and back up realizing that they have all just witnessed me doing the run of shame out of Goldilocks' house. As I drive by the gaggle of onlookers with my disheveled hair and white t-shirt, I can finally make out the last figure...
You guessed it...It was grandma.
Jesus.
